The Power Of Sharing

Since I have written my chapter called the "Power Of Authentic Relating" in a book called "Conscious Love" and taken a course called "Self Expression and Leadership", I have realized there is such Power in Sharing. One of our most basic human needs is connection.

Sharing my experiences, and listening to other people's experiences has created a closer human bond that has helped me see how similar we really are as human Beings. I have felt like an alien in my body and had a challenging time feeling like I belong here on this planet. Since I am sharing more of myself, I have felt much more connected to my humanity. You know, if you think about it, our lives consist of a series of various conversations throughout time and all life really is, is about sharing.

I have always had a hard time finding words to verbalize my experience. I am finding it easier and easier to access the words where I can share my experiences with others more authentically. Because I listen from my being, it takes me slowing everything down to really allow the experience of what others are saying to land inside so I can really feel the reality of how life is occurring in their world.

Sharing something doesn't have to be a big thing. I have often felt that if I don't have something really important to share, I wouldn't share it. I now realize that when I share, something inside me happens. I notice that something integrates in me. If I am emotional, I will often feel less emotional and more connected to myself. In sharing with those I love, if there is a listening with presence and receptivity, I will feel different in my body.. often lighter and a sense of reassurance that I am not alone in my experience. I feel more connected to myself and to others. This gives me a sense of belonging and purpose.

Something I can share with you now...

I am excited for my son to come visit in 2 months. He currently lives in Germany with his Dad. Getting the ticket felt like a big thing since I am not so great at focusing on something that has a lot of details. Now I got it.. it is so fun to thinking he will be with me for the month of August. I am grateful for the time I will have with him.

Explore sharing your experiences with others more.... and see what it feels like for you.

Experience Lucia

The Difference Between Attached and Committed

"I am by nature a dealer in words. Words are the most powerful drug known to Humanity" - R Kipling

I have been exploring the distinctions between the world of Attached and the world of Committed When I say world I literally mean what if feels like to be me inside of it as a living experience. Words have such power and each word has a vibration and a whole experience within it. Try it on for yourself. Say a word out loud and see how it feels. You may need some time to develop some sensitivity, since this is a different way of listening which requires more awareness then we usually use.

I used to think how attachment meant how much I cared about someone or something. Through my exploration and inquiry, I now realize that there is much suffering and expectation connected within the world of attachment. What would it feel like to still be engaged but not attached? Is this what commitment feels like?

Recently, I was organizing an event, a play afternoon for Adults...and the closer it came to the event date, the more angry and pressure I felt. As I looked, I noticed that I had some attachment to how many people were coming, what I would do with them once they arrived and who was going to do what and so on...

As soon as I let go and gave up my agenda of how I wanted things to go, I felt more relaxed inside. The pressure left and I felt a spaciousness inside of me where I began to feel some excitement again. It felt mysterious.. and with this feeling, there is a sense of trusting something bigger than me to take over... That my intention for the event it to show up and have fun... and whoever comes will be perfect and we will get to know each other, have authentic conversations and co-create art and music.

The more unattached I became, the more at peace I felt. Here is a list of the two worlds.

The World of Attached. 

Emotional Reaction
Pressure
Fear
Anxious
Selfish
Closed
Results
Blocked
Disappointed
Personal
Disempowered
Obsession
Frustration
Stopped
Determination
Manipulation
Pushy
Embarrassed
Owe Something
Failure
Inadequate
Insistent
Talk to much
Victim
Distant
Ungrateful
Force
Desperation
Drama
Not present
Angry
One side
Confusion


The World of Committed 
Flow
Love
Acceptance
Accountability
Opportunity
Creativity
Playfulness
Open
Organic
Clarity
Ease
Power
Healing
Authentic
Genuine
Connection
Choice
Teamwork
Leadership
Empathy
Community
Compassion
Completion
Communication
Inspiration
Possibility
Unattached
Empowerment
Purpose
Self Expressed
Present

What world do you live inside of?

Are you committed or attached?

Neither of the worlds are wrong... just start noticing how you feel inside and how that effects your relationships and conversations.

I am committed to Play, Exploration, Self Expression and LOVE!

ENOY THE JOURNEY!  - Lucia xo

What it Really Means to Hold Space for Someone

What it Really Means to Hold Space for Someone

How to be there for the people who need you most

When my Mom was dying, my siblings and I gathered to be with her in her final days. None of us knew anything about supporting someone in her transition out of this life into the next, but we were pretty sure we wanted to keep her at home, so we did.

While we supported Mom, we were, in turn, supported by a gifted palliative care nurse, Ann, who came every few days to care for Mom and to talk to us about what we could expect in the coming days. She taught us how to inject Mom with morphine when she became restless, she offered to do the difficult tasks (like giving Mom a bath), and she gave us only as much information as we needed about what to do with Mom’s body after her spirit had passed.

The author with her mother

“Take your time,” she said. “You don’t need to call the funeral home until you’re ready. Gather the people who will want to say their final farewells. Sit with your mom as long as you need to. When you’re ready, call and they will come to pick her up.”

Ann gave us an incredible gift in those final days. Though it was an excruciating week, we knew that we were being held by someone who was only a phone call away.

In the two years since then, I’ve often thought about Ann and the important role she played in our lives. She was much more than what can fit in the title of “palliative care nurse”. She was facilitator, coach, and guide. By offering gentle, nonjudgmental support and guidance, she helped us walk one of the most difficult journeys of our lives.

The work that Ann did can be defined by a term that’s become common in some of the circles in which I work. She was holding space for us.

Learning to hold space for others

What does it mean to “hold space” for someone else?

It means that we are willing to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they’re on without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome. When we hold space for other people, we open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of judgement and control.

Sometimes we find ourselves holding space for people while they hold space for others. In our situation, for example, Ann was holding space for us while we held space for Mom. Though I know nothing about her support system, I suspect that there are others holding space for Ann as she does this challenging and meaningful work. It’s virtually impossible to be a strong space holder unless we have others who will hold space for us. Even the strongest leaders, coaches, nurses, etc., need to know that there are some people with whom they can be vulnerable and weak without fear of being judged.

Understanding the essence of holding space for others

In my own roles as teacher, facilitator, coach, mother, wife, and friend, etc., I do my best to hold space for other people in the same way that Ann modeled it for me and my siblings. It’s not always easy, because I have a very human tendency to want to fix people, give them advice, or judge them for not being further along the path than they are, but I keep trying because I know that it’s important. At the same time, there are people in my life that I trust to hold space for me.

To truly support people in their own growth, transformation, grief, etc., we can’t do it by taking their power away (ie. trying to fix their problems), shaming them (ie. implying that they should know more than they do), or overwhelming them (ie. giving them more information than they’re ready for). We have to be prepared to step to the side so that they can make their own choices, offer them unconditional love and support, give gentle guidance when it’s needed, and make them feel safe even when they make mistakes.

Holding space is not something that’s exclusive to facilitators, coaches, or palliative care nurses. It is something that ALL of us can do for each other – for our partners, children, friends, neighbours, and even strangers who strike up conversations as we’re riding the bus to work.

Every day is an opportunity to hold space for the people around us

8 Tips to Help You Hold Space for Others

Here are the lessons I’ve learned from Ann and others who have held space for me.

1. Give people permission to trust their own intuition and wisdom. When we were supporting Mom in her final days, we had no experience to rely on, and yet, intuitively, we knew what was needed. We knew how to carry her shrinking body to the washroom, we knew how to sit and sing hymns to her, and we knew how to love her. We even knew when it was time to inject the medication that would help ease her pain. In a very gentle way, Ann let us know that we didn’t need to do things according to some arbitrary health care protocol – we simply needed to trust our intuition and accumulated wisdom from the many years we’d loved Mom.

2. Give people only as much information as they can handle. Ann gave us some simple instructions and left us with a few handouts, but did not overwhelm us with far more than we could process in our tender time of grief. Too much information would have left us feeling incompetent and unworthy.

Knowing how much information to give people in times of grief

3. Don’t take their power away. When we take decision-making power out of people’s hands, we leave them feeling useless and incompetent. There may be some times when we need to step in and make hard decisions for other people (ie. when they’re dealing with an addiction and an intervention feels like the only thing that will save them), but in almost every other case, people need the autonomy to make their own choices (even our children). Ann knew that we needed to feel empowered in making decisions on our Mom’s behalf, and so she offered support but never tried to direct or control us.

4. Keep your own ego out of it. This is a big one. We all get caught in that trap now and then – when we begin to believe that someone else’s success is dependent on our intervention, or when we think that their failure reflects poorly on us, or when we’re convinced that whatever emotions they choose to unload on us are about us instead of them. It’s a trap I’ve occasionally found myself slipping into when I teach. I can become more concerned about my own success (Do the students like me? Do their marks reflect on my ability to teach? Etc.) than about the success of my students. But that doesn’t serve anyone – not even me. To truly support their growth, I need to keep my ego out of it and create the space where they have the opportunity to grow and learn.

Keep your own ego out of it

5. Make them feel safe enough to fail. When people are learning, growing, or going through grief or transition, they are bound to make some mistakes along the way. When we, as their space holders, withhold judgement and shame, we offer them the opportunity to reach inside themselves to find the courage to take risks and the resilience to keep going even when they fail. When we let them know that failure is simply a part of the journey and not the end of the world, they’ll spend less time beating themselves up for it and more time learning from their mistakes.

6. Give guidance and help with humility and thoughtfulness. A wise space holder knows when to withhold guidance (ie. when it makes a person feel foolish and inadequate) and when to offer it gently (ie. when a person asks for it or is too lost to know what to ask for). Though Ann did not take our power or autonomy away, she did offer to come and give Mom baths and do some of the more challenging parts of caregiving. This was a relief to us, as we had no practice at it and didn’t want to place Mom in a position that might make her feel shame (ie. having her children see her naked). This is a careful dance that we all must do when we hold space for other people. Recognizing the areas in which they feel most vulnerable and incapable and offering the right kind of help without shaming them takes practice and humility.

A wise space holder knows when to withhold guidance and when to offer it gently

7. Create a container for complex emotions, fear, trauma, etc. When people feel that they are held in a deeper way than they are used to, they feel safe enough to allow complex emotions to surface that might normally remain hidden. Someone who is practiced at holding space knows that this can happen and will be prepared to hold it in a gentle, supportive, and nonjudgmental way. In The Circle Way, we talk about “holding the rim” for people.

The circle becomes the space where people feel safe enough to fall apart without fearing that this will leave them permanently broken or that they will be shamed by others in the room. Someone is always there to offer strength and courage. This is not easy work, and it is work that I continue to learn about as I host increasingly more challenging conversations. We cannot do it if we are overly emotional ourselves, if we haven’t done the hard work of looking into our own shadow, or if we don’t trust the people we are holding space for. In Ann’s case, she did this by showing up with tenderness, compassion, and confidence. If she had shown up in a way that didn’t offer us assurance that she could handle difficult situations or that she was afraid of death, we wouldn’t have been able to trust her as we did.

The circle becomes the space where people feel safe enough to fall apart

8. Allow them to make different decisions and to have different experiences than you would. Holding space is about respecting each person’s differences and recognising that those differences may lead to them making choices that we would not make. Sometimes, for example, they make choices based on cultural norms that we can’t understand from within our own experience. When we hold space, we release control and we honour differences. This showed up, for example, in the way that Ann supported us in making decisions about what to do with Mom’s body after her spirit was no longer housed there. If there had been some ritual that we felt we needed to conduct before releasing her body, we were free to do that in the privacy of Mom’s home.

Holding space is not something that we can master overnight, or that can be adequately addressed in a list of tips like the ones I’ve just offered. It’s a complex practice that evolves as we practice it, and it is unique to each person and each situation.

What it Really Means to Hold Space for a Woman

By Kathryn Hogan on Monday January 16th, 2017

Four important ways you can learn to be truly present

‘Be authentic.’ ‘Hold space.’ ‘Be present.’ These phrases may sound vague, but they’re what the women you love really need. And here’s how you can give it.

“I just need you to hold space for me.”

This phrase may strike fear into even the most stoic male heart.

“You can’t hold space!” you may cry. “It’s space!”

But if you want to be with an emotionally intelligent, spiritually inclined, mindful woman, chances are you’ll be hearing this type of phrase. It’s becoming more and more mainstream, and whether or not you consider it New Agey, this phrase describes an active state of being that is extremely powerful in a relationship.

It is an active state of being that is extremely powerful in a relationship.

It may seem like an absurd, haphazard combination of words that doesn’t actually describe anything. It’s actually describing one of the mysteries of life, something that cannot be described. It’s speaking about a more complex—and complete—understanding of human experience. When a woman says something like this to you, she’s inviting you to live in the moment in a full, focused, joyful way, with her. She’s asking for your help, your support. She’s asking you to pay full attention to her, witnessing her experience, without judging her experience as good or bad.

When a woman says this, she is actually asking you to be with her, and to pay attention to her, fully. This is incredibly important and I can’t stress it enough. My upcoming book has a whole chapter about how powerful it is to be truly present with the women you care about. And as Jordan Gray says, another way to say ‘presence’ is ‘paying attention.’

She is actually asking you to be with her, and to pay attention to her, fully.

They say our bodies are 80% water—but we’re really 99% space!

To hold space for another person, you have to first do it for yourself. They say our bodies are 80% water—but we’re really 99% space! So breathe deeply, opening up your body further. Hold space within yourself first, which means allowing yourself to simply be. Whatever arises, don’t judge it as good or bad. Witness it, allow it, accept it.

Holding space for another is to hold space for them, within yourself. This isn’t just foo-foo energy talk: it’s building a connection with this other person, based in part on subconscious physical cues. It’s holding the person you’re with in your awareness, just as he or she is; to witness their emotions with empathy, whatever they are.

Anyone can hold space for anyone else. However, I feel that there’s an added dimension available when a man does this for a woman; namely, he is able to be present in his masculine power, and thus allow her to relax into a more feminine state. My experience is that holding masculine for myself can be very exhausting, and being with a man who is willing to step into the masculine fully so that I can ‘drop my guard’ is a huge relief.

Holding space is a way to make your masculine power available for the women around you, for the good of all. We need your presence, your masculinity, and your power. When women realize that this is what you’re doing (and yes, you’re allowed to tell them!) they will relax. Unwind, release tension, melt. They might cry, they might simply smile, they might snuggle up. However they express it, what they will really do is show you a part of themselves that few people ever get to see. It’s beautiful, and it feels great for both of you.

Here’s a primer on how you can integrate holding space into your daily life, to improve your relationships with women, other men, and yourself.

They will show you a part of themselves that few people ever get to see.

Pay Attention to Your Experience

You don’t have to be a yogic master to experience the benefits of mindfulness in your life—and your relationships with women. You don’t even have to meditate! All you have to do is be aware of what is actually happening right now, within you and all around you, while trying not to judge it as good or bad.

That’s it.

It’s the simplest thing in the world. And the hardest.

Being mindful of the people around you means witnessing their experiences, their emotions, their words…without becoming reactive. Mindfulness is an inner space of stillness, of being, which manifests outwardly as focused attention.

Witnessing their experiences, their emotions, their words…without becoming reactive.

Pay Special Attention to the Women Around You

You have an incredible power when it comes to women. The power to hold masculine space, so that they can relax into their feminine selves. A very simplistic description of the sacred masculine is that of a container. The feminine is the fluid within, able to flow because she doesn’t have to contain herself. If you’re craving feminine presence—softness, receptivity, playfulness, authentic adorable womaniness of an indescribable quality—holding space for the women around you is how to get it. This doesn’t just benefit you: it is a huge relief to be able to just be feminine. It’s a huge relief for anyone of either gender to know that they are being truly seen, and that they are not judged. Holding space makes life easier for the people around you.

The next time you’re in a fight and don’t know how to move forward, or find yourself getting frustrated, feeling that you aren’t helping, it’s time to take a deep breath, and hold space for this woman.

This can be especially powerful when the woman you’re with is feeling sensitive, upset, hurting, or needs your emotional support and listening. The next time you’re in a fight and don’t know how to move forward, or find yourself getting frustrated, feeling that you aren’t helping, it’s time to take a deep breath, and hold space for this woman.

Turn your focus towards her fully. Really notice this woman, the details of her appearance, her posture, and how she has chosen to present herself; what she is doing, how she’s doing it, the things she’s saying and the things she is leaving unsaid; anything and everything. If a reaction starts to arise in you, accept it within yourself, and try to provide a non-reaction externally. You don’t have to give any compliments in order to hold space. You don’t have to provide advice to be providing your masculine presence.

You don’t have to say anything at all.

Really notice this woman and how she has chosen to present herself.

Body Language

This is really about holding space within yourself. Be aware of how you feel, place the nexus of yourself, your consciousness, fully in your body. This has the effect of holding space for the other person, within yourself. Doing that creates a connection between you, an exchange of energy, with subconscious cues. The same way yawns are contagious, if you tense up in response to another person’s emotional charge (to protect yourself from it, which is understandable and we all do it!) the other person will do the exact same thing: tense up. But if you realize that you are tensing up, and instead breathe deeply and release the tension, perhaps by being aware and breathing into it, you are giving that gift of relaxation and space to the other person.

It’s therefore important to use your body to show that you are really there, really present. If you’re not sure how to do that, try turning your body towards her, squaring your shoulders so that she lines up with the middle of your chest, and turning your head to face her fully. Watch her eyes. This may seem obvious or insignificant, but it is profoundly meaningful, and often we change our body language without realizing it, accidentally sending cues to our partner that we don’t want to send. Being aware of your body language is powerful. Practice being aware and trying to open.

Being aware of your body language is powerful.

Holding Space Means Support in Healing.

Everyone has trauma.

The only way through trauma is to feel it. If a person doesn’t feel their pain, their anger, their fear—if they instead repress it—it grows and festers, like a sliver that doesn’t get pulled out. But feelings like pain, anger and fear are, well, painful! And scary! And upsetting! Feeling them isn’t fun. It takes a great amount of courage and strength to do so.

Holding space means lending your courage, your strength. It means creating a safe environment for someone you care about to exorcise the hurt within them.

Holding space means lending your courage, your strength. It means creating a safe environment for someone you care for to exorcise the hurt within them. Allowing that person to cry, to scream, to shudder; witnessing their authentic experience and reacting with love and acceptance to the extent that you are able, is a powerful way of supporting them in this most important spiritual and emotional work.

Don’t worry—it isn’t always going to be tears and screaming! In fact, the more you practice holding space, the more you integrate it into your daily life, the more relaxation and fun and silliness will follow you, from everyone around you. As you learn to do this with women, the results will be especially profound and lovely.

It means creating a safe environment for someone you care about.

When a man is holding space for me, I light up. I let down my guard. I feel more energetic, more free, less worried.

When a man turns the power of his attention to a woman, and holds space in this way, magic happens. When you truly see her, hear her, know her, you can become aware of her beauty and power. Because of your awareness, she’s able to relax into the moment, be more feminine, be more herself.

Love is a verb, like eat, or sleep. You don’t just do it once. Being present with a woman is itself an act of profound love. So practice it, and watch as magic happens around you!

Sex: Surrendering into Pleasure

Sex: Surrendering into Pleasure

Sex is a hot topic for most of us as it has been for me. I am a very passionate person. I love sex. I love making love even more. I love feeling close, skin on skin, and intimate with someone I am attracted to, where we can share pleasure and be sensual together. I felt ashamed for having such intense feelings of sexual desire. I began to deny myself of my own pleasure as a woman for fear of losing control and being too much, too wild. I thought if I was too much, I may not get the love and attention I so longed for. I didn’t know how to talk about sex and was embarrassed to share my fantasies. 

I was scared of the power my sexuality seemed to have over me. It seemed like a power, bigger than me would just take over. I didn’t know how to manage my sexual energy. I so longed to feel pleasure with my partner and be penetrated and taken by him. Yet, I didn’t really know how to let go of being in charge, so I could give him the opportunity to penetrate and take me.

It scared me to relinquish control. I didn’t think my partner would be able to hold a strong enough space for me. I had fears of him judging me and abandoning me for being too wild.

How did I go from relinquishing control to surrendering into pleasure you might be asking?

I found a man who was willing to play with me and be present with me, someone who I had really great sexual chemistry with. We were totally honest about our fantasies, our needs and our desires. We made time to touch each other and look into each other’s eyes with undivided attention. 

The most important part of surrendering into pleasure for me was creating a solid place of trust. Setting mutual agreements that felt honoring for both of us was key to creating trust. The more quality time I spent with my partner, the more I felt safe to surrender into pleasure. 

As I surrendered into pleasure little by little, I deepened my trust with my partner. The more I felt safe to relax, the more pleasure I was able to feel. We synchronized our energies with cuddling and slow erotic massages. Sometimes fears would come up. I mentioned to my partner that anytime I needed to have an emotional release, all he needed to do was BE with me in the feeling. There was no need for words, just for him to hold a solid, loving space for me to move through my tears. The more I gave myself permission to feel my feelings, the more space there was for me to give and receive pleasure. The more I gave pleasure the more I was able to receive pleasure. We fed on each other’s pleasure, pleasuring each other for hours.

I love being a woman now. I embrace my sexuality and my femininity and love getting all juiced up for my partner. I feel so grateful that I had and continue to have the courage and willingness to feel my feelings; I feel I have a deeper and more loving relationship now than ever before, not just with my partner, but most importantly with myself. I am my own lover and a best friend and have found a partner to share this with, where we pleasure each other beyond just intercourse. We pleasure each other with a glance or a touch. I wish this quality of connection and intimacy for everyone. It is truly divine to share pleasure in this way. 

What is Self Responsibility?

What is Self Responsibility?

Posted on November 22, 2014 

Self Responsibility is the Ultimate Freedom! I challenge you to explore and see for yourself.

Self Responsibility is the ability to RESPOND to whatever we CHOOSE to respond to. Being self responsible gives us the ability to choose how we want to respond to any given person or situation. The POWER OF CHOICE is the key.

What are you choosing in your life? What are you aware of that you are choosing and what are you unaware of that is showing up in your life that is demanding your attention? Take a moment and look closely. Your life is a direct reflection of you. Where are you taking responsibility in your life? Where are you not taking responsibility for your life? Where do you need to take more responsibility…… where is there unresolved stuff?

So one of the ways to know if you are not taking responsibility for your life is if you are blaming, shaming, judging and criticizing others and yourself.  One way to shift this pattern is to start really monitoring your inner dialogue. What are you telling yourself? How are you treating yourself? What words are you choosing?

Our words are very powerful – they create our reality. So we get to choose wisely to what words we are using since they have energy to them.. each word we choose has a specific frequency and the word becomes more potent when we align the word up with our feelings… this is where the true power comes from. When we align our words up with our feelings, and share what we feel with authenticity, then watch out…….Notice what happens any how people respond to you as you choose your words wisely and connect the word with the feeling and share your experience using I statements… I feel, I notice… I need…I really want…. I am frustrating myself around……I am triggering myself with…..I just need some down time….I am really happy since I …….I am so appreciate you for…..etc.

Self Responsible Guidelines.

1. I seek to understand others first, especially when there are differences.

2. I am responsible for how I hold my feelings and perspectives, not anyone else.

3. I understand when someone is sharing his or her perspective, they are telling me about them NOT about me, which makes my defensiveness less likely to be activated, so I can listen with my heart rather than justify why I am right and the other person is wrong.

4. When someone thinks and acts a certain way and it makes perfect sense to them, I would very likely think and act the same way too if I was in their situation.

5. When I feel the need to fix someone else, instead of using “you should”…… I will choose to respond by sharing what I notice and how I feel about the situation using words like I think, I feel.

6. Realizing that I am not all knowing helps me to stay humble in the way I communicate, which helps create an atmosphere of openness and co-operation.

7. I speak and listen from my heart and the deeper knowing of my being.

8. I embrace what is alive in me. For example, if I am feeling jealousy… I make friends with jealousy, by having a conversation with it to find out what it needs. I may draw it out on paper or move jealousy with my body…so it has a way to feel expressed. This helps me express it vs depress it.

9. I commit to BEING LOVE, sharing love and receive love. When I am in doubt I ask…What would love do? and I listen for the answer.

Taking 100% responsibility for everything we create in our lives can seem like a big deal and it is. And yet, until we do, we won’t be able to truly change and grow with power and purpose. We won’t feel unified as equals, safe to truly be ourselves and liberated as individuals.

Taking a STAND for being self responsible is the best gift we can give yourselves and the world. By  choosing to respond to our life, taking responsibility for our thoughts, our feelings and our actions, then we free ourselves of blame and victimization – this is what true power is, taking full ownership for our part.

Thank you for doing your part. I appreciate you taking a stand in aligning with your integrity and purpose and for making a difference in your life. Everyone benefits from you consciously choosing your words and your life.

Please feel free to let me know what you notice while putting your awareness to practice.

In Loving Service to you,

Lucia Nicola Evans

“Be the Change you want to SEE in the world” Gandhi.

Attachment vs Non-attachment – what to do when triggered or upset.

“Be the Change you want to see in the world.’ Gandhi

Attachment vs Non-attachment – what to do when triggered or upset.

Posted on November 22, 2014

ATTACHMENT is when we are attached to a certain outcome. It may show up in the form of an expectation or an assumption of how things “should” look or “ought” to be. The main thing that comes up here is that having expectations or assumptions will often create a dynamic of blame, and make wrong.

Our attachments often create much disappointment and then in turn lead to resistance of what is, creating pain and suffering and disconnect. People who are most attached are usually people pleasers. Those of us who really feel valued when others need us and notice what we do and say tend to be people who are attached to what others think. They may feel insecure and not know who they really are. The downfall of being attached to a certain outcome is that we attach value on ourselves only when we are noticed and if we are not noticed the way we want, then we don’t feel appreciated and valued, making the other person/people wrong for not responding how we think they should leaving us with feelings of unappreciated and insignificant.. like we don’t matter. This reaction on other peoples non-response will tend to create isolation and may lead us into depression and disconnection from meaningful relationships.

NON-ATTACHMENT, on the other hand, is when we let go of any specific outcome and just allow things to flow… often being more spontaneous and accepting of what is. Allowing what is and just BEING IN THE MOMENT creates more space to explore and have fun. In this state of being, there are no expectations or assumptions. The gift of non-attachment is that there is no agenda and there seems to be more freedom just to BE in the moment and enjoy things as they are. There will often be more acceptance as a result, giving us more space to breath and be ourselves in a more relaxed, authentic atmosphere. The most important thing to remember here when we are in a state of non-attachment is we need to ALWAYS ask for what we need. Making requests is super important and letting others know what we need is VITAL rather then expecting them to know and read our minds. Awwww this is a recipe for disaster – thinking that the others know what we are thinking.

Example of a request – “I know you are busy and you may not have notice that I cleaned the whole house while you were gone… I would love it if took a moment and just appreciated all the hard work I put into making the house look nice, thank you.. this would mean a lot to me… can I show you?”

Now making a request that is inviting like this… creates deeper connection with others rather than disconnect and blame.

Where there is disconnect and blame this is also known as a trigger. A Trigger is when we are not in our hearts and we are defending our position or attacking the other person in defending our position of needing to be heard and understood.

I recommend when you trigger yourself follow the following steps.

GUIDELINES TO RESTORE HARMONY WITHIN YOURSELF.

1. Take a moment and breath and just notice you are triggered.

2. See if you can identify what you are triggered about.

3. Once you identify the trigger, be with it and really feel the pain and discomfort in your body. Feel your feelings fully.

4. Once you have felt your feelings fully, allow yourself to create distance and see your situation from a birds eye view. See if you can see how things may have been for anyone else in your presence.

5. Verbalize your experience from your heart which someone who can be present with you and really   listen from their heart. You may ask them for feedback to get another angle on the issue at hand, shedding light to any blind spots that could help you deepen your understanding of how you can handle it with more grace and ease and love next time.

GUIDELINES TO FOLLOW TO RESTORE HARMONY WITH ANOTHER PERSON

1. Take a breath to receive the other person and presence them.

2. Stop talking and listen where they are at, while putting your feelings and needs temporarily aside

3. Feel into what the other person might be feeling at this present moment

4. When there is a gap in their sharing, practice empathy and compassionate communication (compassionate communication is communication that connects.. e.g. – I hear that is painful for you .. or Wow, that sounds hard… or  I really appreciate your vulnerability or I understand that this is a challenging time for you… is there anything I can support you with?)

5. Ask what they are feeling – show authentic interest

6. Use reflective /active listening – using their words and phrases – reflective listening is not interpreting what you heard them say, it is saying what you heard the other person say without your filter. What I heard you say is…..… is this right? that makes sense……is there more?

7. Share something I appreciate about them

8. Acknowledge them for something relevant –  e.g. – I acknowledge you for your willingness to stick with the process… I understand it is hard. Thank you for your courage.

9. Ask what they need – eg. support, listening, appreciation, encouragement, validation, being held, a hug…etc.

10. Acknowledge them for sharing their truth and what is real for them especially their vulnerability and honesty.

I am so committed to sharing my truth even if it painful for others to hear. The funny thing about truth it will bring us closer, even if it hurts at first. Thank you for showing up to be your best self.

Notice when you are in a state of Attachment and when you are in a state of Non-Attachment and just notice what happens.. How are others responding to you? How are you responding to you? Just notice without putting meaning to it or making anyone wrong including yourself  Just Notice.

As always, I encourage you to write down your noticing as you will start to become more aware of the different responses when you put more attention into what you noticed.

I hope this information is useful to you.

In Loving Service,

Lucia Nicola