“Be the Change you
want to see in the world.’
Attachment vs Non-attachment – what to do when triggered or upset.
Posted on November 22, 2014
ATTACHMENT is when we are attached to a certain outcome. It may show up in the form of an expectation or an assumption of how things “should” look or “ought” to be. The main thing that comes up here is that having expectations or assumptions will often create a dynamic of blame, and make wrong.
Our attachments often create much disappointment and then in turn lead to resistance of what is, creating pain and suffering and disconnect. People who are most attached are usually people pleasers. Those of us who really feel valued when others need us and notice what we do and say tend to be people who are attached to what others think. They may feel insecure and not know who they really are. The downfall of being attached to a certain outcome is that we attach value on ourselves only when we are noticed and if we are not noticed the way we want, then we don’t feel appreciated and valued, making the other person/people wrong for not responding how we think they should leaving us with feelings of unappreciated and insignificant.. like we don’t matter. This reaction on other peoples non-response will tend to create isolation and may lead us into depression and disconnection from meaningful relationships.
NON-ATTACHMENT, on the other hand, is when we let go of any specific outcome and just allow things to flow… often being more spontaneous and accepting of what is. Allowing what is and just BEING IN THE MOMENT creates more space to explore and have fun. In this state of being, there are no expectations or assumptions. The gift of non-attachment is that there is no agenda and there seems to be more freedom just to BE in the moment and enjoy things as they are. There will often be more acceptance as a result, giving us more space to breath and be ourselves in a more relaxed, authentic atmosphere. The most important thing to remember here when we are in a state of non-attachment is we need to ALWAYS ask for what we need. Making requests is super important and letting others know what we need is VITAL rather then expecting them to know and read our minds. Awwww this is a recipe for disaster – thinking that the others know what we are thinking.
Example of a request – “I know you are busy and you may not have notice that I cleaned the whole house while you were gone… I would love it if took a moment and just appreciated all the hard work I put into making the house look nice, thank you.. this would mean a lot to me… can I show you?”
Now making a request that is inviting like this… creates deeper connection with others rather than disconnect and blame.
Where there is disconnect and blame this is also known as a trigger. A Trigger is when we are not in our hearts and we are defending our position or attacking the other person in defending our position of needing to be heard and understood.
I recommend when you trigger yourself follow the following steps.
GUIDELINES TO RESTORE HARMONY WITHIN YOURSELF.
1. Take a moment and breath and just notice you are triggered.
2. See if you can identify what you are triggered about.
3. Once you identify the trigger, be with it and really feel the pain and discomfort in your body. Feel your feelings fully.
4. Once you have felt your feelings fully, allow yourself to create distance and see your situation from a birds eye view. See if you can see how things may have been for anyone else in your presence.
5. Verbalize your experience from your heart which someone who can be present with you and really listen from their heart. You may ask them for feedback to get another angle on the issue at hand, shedding light to any blind spots that could help you deepen your understanding of how you can handle it with more grace and ease and love next time.
GUIDELINES TO FOLLOW TO RESTORE HARMONY WITH ANOTHER PERSON
1. Take a breath to receive the other person and presence them.
2. Stop talking and listen where they are at, while putting your feelings and needs temporarily aside
3. Feel into what the other person might be feeling at this present moment
4. When there is a gap in their sharing, practice empathy and compassionate communication (compassionate communication is communication that connects.. e.g. – I hear that is painful for you .. or Wow, that sounds hard… or I really appreciate your vulnerability or I understand that this is a challenging time for you… is there anything I can support you with?)
5. Ask what they are feeling – show authentic interest
6. Use reflective /active listening – using their words and phrases – reflective listening is not interpreting what you heard them say, it is saying what you heard the other person say without your filter. What I heard you say is…..… is this right? that makes sense……is there more?
7. Share something I appreciate about them
8. Acknowledge them for something relevant – e.g. – I acknowledge you for your willingness to stick with the process… I understand it is hard. Thank you for your courage.
9. Ask what they need – eg. support, listening, appreciation, encouragement, validation, being held, a hug…etc.
10. Acknowledge them for sharing their truth and what is real for them especially their vulnerability and honesty.
I am so committed to sharing my truth even if it painful for others to hear. The funny thing about truth it will bring us closer, even if it hurts at first. Thank you for showing up to be your best self.
Notice when you are in a state of Attachment and when you are in a state of Non-Attachment and just notice what happens.. How are others responding to you? How are you responding to you? Just notice without putting meaning to it or making anyone wrong including yourself Just Notice.
As always, I encourage you to write down your noticing as you will start to become more aware of the different responses when you put more attention into what you noticed.
I hope this information is useful to you.
In Loving Service,
Lucia Nicola
